Thoughts of a 25-year-old

A week ago was my birthday: I took the time to tweet a few things about the past twenty-five years, and whatever it is I’ve learned so far. I thought it might be nice to publish it on a more durable medium than Twitter, so here it is, verbatim:

Gonna use my birthday to tell a story: when I was 17, I wanted to kill myself. A friend told me not to. I’m glad I didn’t. Not just another teen angst story: had put myself deep into a pit of despair, abuse, and emotional damage.

Back then, I saw no possible way of it ever getting any better. I thought I had fucked my life for good. Friend told me to wait. I was reluctant. Had nothing much to do. Pretty much walked the walk for some time. Then got pieces of life back, little by little. It took a few years, and I’m so grateful to be in a good place again.

Depression & suicide are very important and close subjects to me, I don’t take about then often to keep a happy face, but: Whatever your current situation is, however bad it may be, please give it time. Take care all <3

I’ve had an analytical mind for as long as I can remember, and it played tricks on me. Death seemed like a logical conclusion. And I did buy into the whole “you’re a teen, it’ll pass” thing. But it didn’t. 25-year-old me is still fighting with depressive thoughts.

Some days I feel like I could climb a mountain, and some said a dark cloud is suffocating me. It’s not about age. I’ve learned to hold my thoughts to reasonable doubt. Things you’ve done or experienced will never change, but your perspective will.

Every single day is still a struggle, and I’m disappointed in myself for failing my loved ones because even the basics take so much. All I hope now is to live long enough, to learn to manage enough and have enough good days, that I can repay their patience.

One of the breakthroughs I’ve had in the past few months is to try and be happy even when loved ones weren’t. My instinct was strongly against that, because I desperately want all my loved ones to be happy always.

But life is made of victories and trials, and when I take care of myself I can be a better friend through both. I am incredibly blessed to have met so many wonderful people in the past 8 years, and Twitter has played a significant role in that <3

I have no illusion as to how incredibly privileged I am, but I have learned that misery and depression spares no social group. So many times have I thought “nothing is technically going wrong so I should be fine” and I’m just now accepting how untrue that is.

Although it is clichéd, I would have liked to know when I was younger, that I wasn’t the only one with those thoughts. You’re not alone. Life is a surprising journey, and I’m (at best) only a quarter done with it. I’m sure I have a lot more to learn.

It took years of being stuck in a religious environment, years of university, years of navigating jobs to get my mind somewhat open!

Creatives tend to get passionate about things, ideas, about people, and all of that is fine, in time, but don’t forget to protect yourself. I have sunken my heart so often and emerged dizzier every time and I’m just glad I get the chance to do it all over again for some more time <3

Beware the builder’s bias: while you’re working, it seems like the most important thing. But in the grand scheme(TM), there is so much more. As a teen I used to judge nonchalance, now I see it as a strength. Take your time, do it right, even if “it” is ephemeral.

And for goodness’ sake, don’t be so fucking afraid to speak up, you get one shot at life. You’ll never please everybody, but you can earnestly find what you think is right and make a fair attempt at it. Let your creations reflect who you are, but never allow them to take from you.

Internal riches are so underrated. It’s okay to have odd interests, fuck all possible currents. Be interesting to yourself.

That’s it — all in all, a whole lot of nothing. But I’ve had so many kind responses to it that I thought it was worth saving. If you see me struggling, don’t hesitate to point me back to that article — I’ll try to read it on my next birthdays, as long as I’m there :)