How to: failure
Mar 17, 2014
3 minute read

As easy as it might look, failure is not everyone’s cup of tea. For some, failure is a natural, almost constant state that they have no problem going back to, again and again. For the rest of you, keep reading to discover a series of tips that can help set you straight back on the path to disaster.

Step 1: mental failure

Whatever your trade, the first habit you’ll want to adopt is to grossly and consistently underestimate the amount of work required to get anything done. Are you the kind of person who thinks movie credits are too darn long, and that you could probably do the same with a fraction of the crew? Then you’re already half-way there!

The thinking that “this can be done by two persons in a night” will allow you to continuously fail to live up to your own expectations — not the most noble form of failure, but a very good start nonetheless.

Step 2: physical failure

Another important step is to never stop working until you actually feel like you’ve achieved something. Do not hesitate to stay up way into the morning to finish “just that one thing”. As your bodily functions start breaking down one by one, you will enter a kind of “hyper-productive trance”. Don’t forget to set up a mattress near your desk to minimize bruises, as you might collapse at any moment.

Shutting down sleep can be tricky at first, but if you keep at it, you’ll get the hang of it in no time. Substances, both legal and fun, will joyfully help you slowly deteriorate your body and what remains of your youth. Look at that coffee stain! Is it a skull? Is it a knife?

Step 3: social failure

If you follow our advice to the letter, eventually your eyes will overflow with tears, your heart will serenade you with the soothing pitter-patter characteristic of early cardiac problems, and your soul will have made off with your smile and dignity, without leaving a note. The final and perhaps most important step is to never, ever talk about it to anybody. Keep it a secret as if your life depended on it.

The common belief that “talking it out helps” is not only erroneous, but harmful as well. Don’t you think others can read it on your stupid face? Don’t you think if they cared they would’ve reached out? No, seriously: they’re just as sick of your shit as you are.

Afterword

Are you already taking advantage of these tips in your daily life? Congratulations! Failure may very well be just a few short months down the road.